Like Herpes, Malaria Is Also "Forever"

16 March 2006, Camp Lemonier, Djibouti – Horn of Africa

Contemplating the many “forever’s” in my life seems to be an everyday occurrence here in Djibouti. This is not your normal “port of call” by any means unless your port is full of raw sewage, rusting or sunken ships and an original look and smell all of its own that stings senses like a slap to the face with acetone-laden 80 grit sandpaper!

This is the Horn of Africa, baby!…

It seems to me that everyday is a carbon copy of the next. The only exception to the rule is the change in the weather; movie at the base theater and the chow in the mess hall – other than that, the song remains the same.

A break from the mundane routine often leads to raised eyebrows and a flurry of suspicious and cautious looks from the Marines. With tails tucked and ears pinned to their heads like a pack of confused coyotes, they tend to avoid a smiling Corpsman because they have an ingrained response to happy “docs” – a smiling Doc is one that is probably all too happy to be “bearing gifts” to spread amongst them either in the form of an immunization or medication – either way, it spells certain pain and doom for the ever wary Marines and an unexpected gift for the always sadistic Corpsman.

Today was one of those “out of the ordinary” days – today was “Malaria Pill” day!

I know. I know. What you are thinking about now is that anyone sick enough to come to this country would have the basic human common sense to take a pill that would potentially prevent or deter the occupant from receiving a very life-changing disease. Much like Herpes, Malaria is also a “forever” disease. Once inside of you, it never really goes away. Thus making you even more susceptible to catching it or any other Anopheles vector disease such as West Nile virus.

Having dealt with Marines for a number of years, I have come to find that in order to discourage suspicious behavior you must entice the Marines in some way, shape or form by either appealing to their curiosity or politely and insistently tapping upon their often sick and slightly askew view of the world and things in general. Climbing upon the pulpit and performing a stirring and rousing “wrath of God” like sermon of the dangers of not taking a pill or getting an injection would be just as fruitful as trying to teach Quantum Theory to yard slugs! It just doesn’t make any sense.

No, you have to be a little bit more creative, demented and devious to seduce a candidate willingly.

Since the appeal here is “sick and twisted” that is just how you have to merchandise the product! In this case, Mefloquine or Lariam; our “drug of choice” for Malaria chemoprophylaxsis (a big word for medically induced prevention) during our brief stay here in the Horn of Africa.

Having read the drug information sheet, I had noticed that the “side-effects” of the drug were many: Dizziness, headache, sleep disorders, nightmares, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, seizures, abnormal coordination, confusion, hallucinations, forgetfulness, emotional problems including anxiety, aggression, agitation, depression, mood changes, panic attacks, psychotic or paranoid reactions, restlessness, and suicidal ideation.

But, two of the symptoms stand-out “head-and-shoulder” above all the others; those two symptoms would become the cornerstones of my marketing strategy and morph into the main “selling” points I would use when pandering the drug off on the hapless Marines. A sample conversation would often sound like this:

“Hey Doc, what is this crap?”

“It’s Mefloquine; it will help prevent you from getting Malaria when we get into Africa”

“Cool – does it work on snake bites also?”

“No. Just mosquito bites”

“So, what will happen if I don’t take it?”

“You’ll be at an increased risk of getting Malaria. Lot’s of mosquito’s over in Africa and plenty of crazy diseases”

“What are the side effects?”

“Hallucinations and nightmares”

“Cool!…Can I have two of them?”

“Not today – maybe when you’re feeling better you can have a couple.”

“Thanks, Doc!”

The sell is an easy one – appeal to the “sick and twisted” and you’ll get a guaranteed purchase every time! I guess having been with the FMF for 8 of my 10 years in the Navy, knowing how and when to make the sell sort of makes me a bit sick and twisted as well.

Guilty as charged (and happily so!).

Originally published 16 March 2006 on the blog "Totum dependeat (Let it all hang out!)"