Worry

Lately, I have found myself troubled and worried about a great many things. Most of these things are mainly out of my immediate control, but still things that I have been worrying about none the less. I personally don't like to worry, but it seems to be something I find harder and harder to avoid as the bar of responsibility and accountability inches further up the "pressure meter." I have been complemented on my youthful look and the fact that my face and body do not show the age of a 40 year old man - I have been flatteringly described as someone in his early 30's and when asked about my secret to looking and feeling young I usually tell the questioning party that I've lead a fairly stress-free life up to this point - which is not entirely far from the truth!

I used to think that worry was just a waste of energy and that nothing fruitful ever came out of a night of staying up and reasoning things out. Anxiety has never really gotten the better of me or left me with an inability to sleep because of the pressure added to the decision at hand, but lately there have been things that have been put into motion that have my spirit thinking that maybe an ounce of worry is worth it and that conscious thought will render a proper outcome!

Since coming back to the Armed Services, I have never been pressured to do much of anything other than to provide support for my children and provide guidance for the soldiers and sailors in my respective sections. When I felt pressured to sit down and discuss tactics or my line of reason was categorically questioned, the pang of the ego being pricked along with my tyrannical disdain for criticism usually had the other parties headed for the hills. In many instances, the "Rex" was more "wrecks" and there were disasters that were seen through to fruition by narrow vision or poor planning. Thinking that an answer will just mystically present itself is not always the best way to do things - waiting for things to happen will only find you further behind as each day passes. As you can see, failure to act is a recipe for disaster almost every single time - the watch and wait theory rarely renders positive or desired results.

Having been a personal onsite witness to the many "train wrecks" and "disaster areas" left in my wake, I have come to find that over time I have found my once impulsive leap of faith (Pounce of Pride) has been replaced by an almost cautionary step like a cat pawing for footing upon an early winter ice sheet.

I have found a way to learn how to worry...

Since meeting my wife almost 2 years ago, I have found out that worry is something I have always kept right there by my side, but boastful Leo ego kept it solidly "in check." I know what I am and what I am not. But, there are times when I am around my wife that I begin to question whether or not I am who I think I am. It isn't so much a lack of confidence because she gives me so much - she is my number one fan! She has grounded me and that is not a bad thing. Having dreams is not a crime - allowing your dreams to lead you through life is not a crime - keeping your head in the clouds and missing the dreams altogether? That is the crime! And she pushes me to strive and reach after those dreams because if they are important to me, they are important to her.

Worry has been walking right here beside me all along. Call it an "evolution of the species" because I am beginning to live more for "us" and not just "me." It has not been an easy transition - and my wife will tell you that I have not been the most accommodating of students at times - bucking and fighting the process thinking that the plan was doomed to failure or that my cursed past would come back to haunt us both.

She is still there - and we are still together....

There is something about my wife that inspires me to want to be a better man. She lives and gives much like I used to give, and she has gotten me to lower my battle hardened banners, cast-off the armor and arbitrate in a more civilized and mannered tone. Respect, honesty and loyalty are the true colors of her standards. I have seen them raised upon my fields more than once, and have given into them without so much as a whimper of protest. Her argument is a fresh breath of logical sense in an almost chaotic world that is my own. I've recoiled on several occasions having been bitten by the bitter sting of failure and the loss of love. I have been reminded that once again, failure is a definite possibility and that my poor ego would rather avoid the pain rather than face it again!

Worry has been nipping at my heels the entire time we have been together. I have had my chances to "bolt" and have done things to hurt her unintentionally only to find that the pain I caused, hurt me just as much - if not more so! Clarity has been achieved and there is a voice within my heart that keeps telling me that I'd be labeled the fool of all fools to allow her to enter my life and realm and simply fade away like the early morning fog in Autumn. There has been a marriage. There have been evenings of wine and candles. There have been nights of burning passion and romantic heights scaled and seen that even I thought could ever be achieved!

I am learning to embrace the lesson of worrying only because the teacher is "smoking hot" and the plain and simple fact that I would do most anything for her happiness. This is a life lesson and responsibility that I am happy to face because I know that she is my "better half" and that I will not have to face the decisions or the worry "alone"

And that at least makes the burden of having to worry a little less heavy and our future life together just that much easier...

(Originally published on 29 March 2006 the blog "The Curbside Philosopher")