A Memorial Day Message

I am a bit tardy with my Memorial Day message, and for this I apologize. But today, a day when Toby Keith and the USO show will be here in town for us to enjoy, I thought this was as good a time as any to say what I've been itching to say. So, for lack of a better introduction, here it goes...

After September 11, 2001 being in the military kind of took on a whole new meaning. It's really rather difficult to describe but in a nutshell, take the world that you know and everything that is good and happy within it and turn it upside down and right-side up several times. When your head, and the heads of those you love stop spinning and your eyes regain their focus, you will have the distinct pleasure of knowing just how it feels to have been a soldier, sailor, marine, airman or coast guard member on that fate-filled day.

I do not need to re-live the details of or bring back the feelings associated with that turbulent and history changing event because they are still there - sometimes painfully so. Because for a brief time, our nation was on its knees and the world was just as shocked and outraged as we were. Oh, there were few who relished in their victory and thought that this blow would slowly start to bring about the demise of our nation and help to give rise to the belief that the United States; the "Great Satan" was to be eradicated and defeated in the name of Jihad.

The events that unfolded and developed in my immediate world in the wake of the tragedy seems more like a muddled ballet of all things good and all things bad coming together and clashing on a stage for everyone to see. If you've happened to have seen any old movies where they pass time with the aid of a montage and the paper days fall and drift from a wall calendar, that is pretty much how my day-to-day life was on Fort Sill from 2001 to 2003. Our little base in the "middle-of-no-where Oklahoma" began to swell with motion. Training and exercises took on an entirely different meaning because there was a renewed focus and a new enemy to battle.

In the midst of this preparation came a whirlwind of emotions that every military man and woman all had to face. There were many battles being fought in my immediate world. As I watched the men and women on post begin to embrace their mission with renewed vigor and determination I was forced to pick up my own sword and battle a few personal battles of my own. During a 36 day period from January 1st to February 5th 2003 the following events occurred:

I lost my stepmother to Diabetes...

I lost my recently approved request and orders to transfer to the MEPS Center in Los Angeles, California...

I found out that the unit was being mobilized and was headed to Iraq...

I eventually lost the battle and gave into granting my now ex-wife a divorce...

Between 2003 and 2005 I went to Iraq, lost 7 friends and fellow brothers-in-arms, became a father again got engaged, married a Lioness and began to plan out the rest of our life together.

I am going to stop ranting on about my life and get right down to the message. I am trying to tell you that despite all the personal turmoil, tragedy, rises and falls, mistakes and victories, I have continued to make every attempt to move forward and NOT look back at the many things that would have or could have been. Things are what they are - and they will continue to be what they are as long as the pathway to their existence continues to be paved with my intentions whether they are received positively or negatively in my immediate world.

Take all of this and compare it to our current state of affairs within our own borders. There is chaos, disarray, frayed nerves, general unrest and lots and lots of uncertainty. There are dissenters and nay-sayers who spout their rhetoric and make wild accusations that our aim was untrue or our motives purely selfish during this ongoing War on Terrorism. These people would have us slinking and living in fear like a beaten dog rather than have us fight for the very principles and beliefs that made this country what it is today.

In the midst of all these battles we continue to move onward. When we get knocked down we get right back up and continue on our way. That is the resilience and determination that has helped to make these United States the great beacon of freedom and democracy for all of the free-world to recognize and attempt to emulate. Since when do any terrorists embrace peace?

I made my choices for better and for worse and have come to embrace a belief that the battles to which I have given in to and continue to fight on a daily basis will someday effect my children, my grandchildren and even my great-grandchildren. I believe our country is worth something more than just a flag or a idea. I believe that America means something to the world and that we are doing the right thing by trying to defeat terrorism so that the world can eventually come to embrace peace and learn to live with our differences rather than rebel or create chaos because of our inability to see eye to eye.

I am not one to seek vengeance. I am not a man to wish ill will upon anyone. I am not a saint in any sense of the word, but I do not wish harm upon my enemies. I am an optimist. The Lioness is often caught wondering where I find the ability as a military man to accept such things as "truths" to cling upon, and I simply know that things are what they are and events in motion can only be changed by those who put them into motion in the first place. I am not a killer. I am not a warrior in search of blood lust or vengeance. I am first and foremost a protector. I am a patient thinker. Should I or anyone else I love feel threatened or think that their lives are in danger, I will do my best to make sure that those plans and outcomes to destroy human life fail. It may seem hypocritical of me, but I have a right to defend my life and the lives of those I love just as much as anyone else. I am not a martyr nor am I a sheep being led to market and slaughter. I am doing my job as I swore to do so - now, 3 times over to "...protect and defend the constitution of the United States of America against all enemies both foreign and domestic."

If it is death that the enemy does seek, I am sure that eventually they will find it...

It's funny, but after preparing for war, going to war, living away from home for a many months at a time and thousands of miles from loved ones with only your friends to the left and to the right of you for support, you gain a bit of wisdom that most people never have the honor of recognizing. You begin to perceive things in a whole new light. The world becomes a much smaller place. The ordinary drive to the market becomes something extraordinary. Play time with the children becomes a cherished event and heart-to-heart talks become something to build a lifetime upon! Patience is recognized. Dreams are fortified and you learn the truth behind the saying, "You don't know what you've got until you haven't got it any longer."

I am not perfect nor do I claim to be. I have had to learn some very difficult and yet very valuable lessons about life, love and myself. In the short span of 3 years, I have managed to gain valuable insight into the inner weavings of the universe and re-discovered a voice within me that had laid dormant for sometime. I discovered even when there seems to be imbalance there is balance to be found. I learned that saying "never again" is foolish and ignorant in the realms of relationship and love and I also learned that it is possible to find love; find respect and find comfort and compassion within the embrace of another even when you do not feel yourself worthy of such wondrous gifts!

Most importantly, I learned that despite all things (both the good and the evil) that life goes on and that it is my choice (and my choice alone) to do everything good and righteous with the gift of life I have been given. I know the difference between right and wrong and try to do what is right most every time. I live by the rule and law of this land and try to lead by example in order to make sure that those who follow in my steps will learn from my example and carry on the traditions, traits and wisdom that were passed down to me by my parents and grandparents in hope that every drop of blood, sweat and tears filling every one of my movements and moments from birth to eventual death was not without cause nor reason.

I have chosen to make a mark in this life as a soldier, a sailor, a nurse, a husband, a father, a son a brother and a friend. Mine is not a glamorous or Hollywood lifestyle. By all accounts I am perfectly anonymous except to those whose lives I touch on a daily basis. This is where I make my impact known the most. This is where I am something and everything to the lives within my immediate world. I hope that someday my contribution to life and the lives of those I have touched will be remebered. In this way, my deeds shall be recognized and then I will live forever; thus insuring that I shall never be forgotten...

SSG Joe N. Wilson

SSG Paul Velasquez

SGT Joel Perez

SGT Keelan Moss

SGT Ross Pennanen

SPC Rafael Navea

SPC Steven Conover


I have not forgotten and choose to remember...always!

Senses Working Overtime

To paraphrase an old song by the band XTC, my senses have been working overtime as of late. Granted, I have not been working overtime, but my senses definitely have been.

It's funny how the body works. I think I eluded to this a little bit in a previous entry as to just how the body comes to remember patterns and goes about re-adjusting and falling back into set routines that were thought to have been forgotten and are now once again as common and ordinary as walking and talking.

My body is none worse for the additional wear and tear it has been burdened with. Although I have not found myself at the gym banging the irons or slapping the plastic mats of the running mills, I have been walking close to 3 miles a day all over the camp and at different times of the day. Trust me! A walk that is a half mile long when wearing an extra 30 pounds of protective gear can seem like an eternity when its close to 120 degrees in the sunlight!

I am losing sight of my focus here - the senses...

I have come to find that being in a "combat zone" definitely heightens your ability to stay aware of certain situations. I don't how to aptly describe it because it seems to be a mix of so many chemicals and emotions that I am at a loss to even begin to try and explain it. There is something that is both appalling and alluring about the military mans reliance and acceptance to certain dangers. The inherent dangers later become tales of dashing and daring rescue - moments of heroism or complete hysterics. The word "excitement" has a tendency to become lost in the mix of adrenaline and fear and thus becomes just another part of the ordinary and everyday scenery around the camp grounds.

My senses have gotten attuned to the point that I am able to recognize the changes in these abilities much like a superhero would recognize their special strengths.

For example, when it comes to my nose, many years of city life have rendered it mostly inoperable due to the many allergens that keep my sinuses readily filled with an overabundance of drainage. Coming to Africa has been a total "God send" for my aching nose. My allergies are almost non-existent here. Partially due to the fact that there isn't much growing here and the realization that I have not been previously exposed to many of the plants here in the area, thus reducing my body's ability to develop an allergy to the abundant spores, pollens and molds within the Horn of Africa. Thus, with my nose at almost 80 percent operational status, I can catch any waft of a smell that happens to be floating on the breeze, identify it or follow it to its point of origin.

My sight has always been fairly good. My peripheral vision has become quite adept at catching even the smallest movements out of the corners of my eyes. I have been able to identify the smallest of flying bugs and the swiftest desert mice as they scurry and run at all hours across and through the tents of the campsite.

I am able to wake-up on time and without the use of an alarm. I tell my body before I go to bed what time I need to get up at and 90 percent of the time I am within 15 minutes of the time I had previously requested. Just to be safe, while in the dark confines of my womb-like cocoon of a tent space, I do set my alarm as a "just in case" because I can ill afford to be late to work!

Sadly though, my ears have not gotten any better at sound detection - but in their defense, they have not gotten any worse. I can recognize people moving toward my work space as their heels grind into the rocks and dirt that lay just outside the entrance of our little BAS. I am still unable to recognize certain individuals by the way they sound when they tread upon the rocks...

Another sense that has been turned up during this deployment is my sense of loss. (Yes, even this old Lion can still feel sometimes.) I have come to find that although I am quite capable of surviving on my own and putting up a pretty good front that makes me seem rather cold or stand-offish, I really do miss the company and love of my family and friends back home. Granted, I have friends here and I do my best to keep my brain occupied and moving toward the goal of the moment, but there is nothing that can fill the void and emptiness that comes along with knowing that you are loved by so many and yet unable to touch or feel anyone or anything. This is my psyche at its most vulnerable - though I strut and preen like a lordly lion on my pathway in this world, it just seems so much better to have those special moments pass with someone special and not just yourself...

The sun is up at it's mid-day apex and the temperature is beginning it's long spiral downward. A mere 106 degrees in the shade and under the shadow of that painfully obvious "black flag" which has been flying from the masthead since 0930 this morning.

I can see, hear, feel, smell and taste the days away in Africa for about the next 90 or so days and then return to a life that I embrace as my own - shared with a wife and children - friends and family. Granted, I am not looking forward to getting back to "civilian" life with grid-lock traffic, corporate criminals, unexpected pitfalls, gas at an all time high and greenhouse emissions burning holes in our atmosphere and pocketbooks. But the optimist within me is quick to shed away the negative energy and embrace all those positive things that this life has to offer. Being here has honed one of the better senses which often goes unrecognized in the normal and dull day to day existence of city life - that is the sense of hope. And when you have been left with nothing but your thoughts, memories and moments to reflect upon, you cannot help but look to ward the horizon and to that blazing ray of hope!

Thankfully, hope is the sense which has been boosted and uplifted the most while I have been here. I have so much to look forward to, how could my hope NOT be elevated?...

Unexpectations

Thursday's are usually quiet days around the campsite for me, but today it was interesting to say the least...

My days usually begin just like any other - wake-up, take a shower, shave, get dressed, go to chow and head-off to the BAS. Same thing - day in and day out; 6 days a week except on those days I am in the BAS for a 24 hour period on duty.

Today started out just like any other - same routine, just a little warmer than usual. Anyhow, I got to work, checked out my weapon, received report from the off-going sentry and settled into my chair for what I thought would be another in a long string of carbon-copylike days here in Africa.

I don't know if it was a mixture of the heat along with the change in wind direction or if this was the normal mayhem and looniness which precedes a full moon but somewhere, somehow, things just didn't seem "normal."

I ate my breakfast - normally...
I read my email - normally...
I took my Mefloquine - normally...
The "black flag" was on the pole by 0900 (almost normal)...

I called my wife "out of the blue" as an unexpected surprise - I had caught her on her way out of the Week's Home - she (my wife) told me of the recently devoured filet mignon and relayed her extreme displeasure at the voting results from that evenings "American Idol" program - she said words that were magic to my ears, "I am going to boycott that show!" (ahhhhh! Sweet music to my ears! LOL!)

We exchanged pleasantries and talked of our last few days - made a date for tomorrow evening to chat again, and thus ended the conversation.

My day proceeded on - I saw our First Sergeant and he asked me where all my Corpsmen were. Without hesitating, I told him the whereabouts of my staff and he informed me that there would be a formation at 1130.

Okay, so that was taken care of - I made my way to the local Smoke break area to retrieve a water and see what the temperature was at that time - 105 degrees (in the shade) at 1015! I sat and drank my water while mixing idle chit-chat with two Marines regarding classic cars! Something else unexpected, but also a pleasant surprise.

1130 rolls around and First Sergeant calls me over behind the formation

"HM2, I'm going to call the awardee to center, make a facing move and march to the front of the formation approximately 3 paces in front of the CO"

I got recognized for my work during the Fort McCoy Deployment and received my first Navy and Marine Corps Achievement Medal. To tell you the truth, I never expected to hear or receive anything regarding that deployment, but never the less, it was a welcomed honor that I have gratefully and most humbly accepted.

To tell you in all honesty, I was shocked - really! Even now I still cannot believe it!

The award ceremony complete - handshakes received and back over to the watering hole - 107 degrees (in the shade) at 1145!...

Lunch came and went. Saw a few patients for heat rash. Saw another post-wisdom tooth extraction. Kept praying that the order request for re-supply medications would find their way here to my doorstep and into my aid station...

At 1445, the power went out!

At 1447 the power came back on

At 1540 the generator made a very strange noise. I looked over at my colleagues as they enjoyed the end of "Mission Impossible II" and said, "Hmmm, that doesn't sound good"

All of a sudden my door opened up and in came 7 Marines through a gray blanket of smoke and darkness as the electricity went out again.

You guessed it - the generator went up in a puff of acrid gray smoke!

1552 the electricity came back on, but the smell of smoke had permeated everything in my BAS, so we had the door open for a small bit.

A 1645 I watched a group of parachutes dot the sky and float like raptors in the warm winds and wide blue skies - remembering my own parachuting experience and getting an extra burst of adrenaline hoping one day to again hear the sound of the wind in my hears and hear my heart race as I fall safely back toward Earth...

As I write at 1818 I can safely say that my adrenaline rush has subsided, the electricity has not gone out again, the smoke has safely cleared the building and things are back to normal - for the most part.

So, an ordinary day has turned into something completely extraordinary - the expected has become the unexpected. There are still 12 and a half hours and a patrol to complete before I can safely put this day back into the memory case for safekeeping. It's quiet for now, but anything can happen in this crazy place. I've grown accustomed to the "unexpectations" of the day because its the little bits of insanity, obscure moments and bizarre incidents which all get us laughing and reminiscing over that time when so-and-so did this or that. In retrospect, it's called life and memory - and the two have come together today making it all the more memorable!