Parenthood

I thought it only appropriate that I try to relay some kind of feeling that I have on this Fathers Day and where I find myself at this time of my life. I find myself on a small outpost in Africa sitting within the confines of my warm little cube in the last third of a very stuffy 16-man all-purpose military-styled tent trying to tap on the faded keyboard of my dusty little computer on this Fathers Day 2006 trying extra-hard to capture the feelings that I have within me on this most special day, and quite frankly I am again at a loss to describe my thoughts completely. They are mostly jumbled ramblings and tidbits of wisdom that I have gained along this pathway to parenthood, but really there is nothing profound that stands out – nothing outstanding that peeks above all the other fragments of logic wedged like tiny shards of glass in a fragmented and tired mind.

I know that I am prone to over think things and over analyze. It is my meticulous nature to look for perfection and somehow, even when it is found, never have a feeling of full satisfaction. There is something more that keeps me itching at the scratch that never heals.

What I have come to learn that sometimes less is more. And a long, drawn out diatribe of wisdom spouting is just not going to do. It’s difficult to feel upbeat about the compromises that have been made. They were difficult choices and nobody has ever held a gun to my head to force a decision out of me yet. I pray that never ever happens, but I am sure that the proper choice will be made. So far, the eyes of fate have been looking my way and have been relatively kind to me when it would seem that more harsh forces were at work trying to undermine my successes and drown me in my sorrows.

This is yet another in a long string of Father’s Days that I have awakened alone and off somewhere far away. In fact, I cannot remember a single Father’s Day where my children attempted to cook me breakfast or purchase me socks or a tie. I have not had the pleasure of kids opening the door to my room, running and jumping upon the bed and saying, “Happy Fathers Day, Dad.” Granted there is a large feeling of emptiness to be shared there and a gap to span, but strangely I have come to understand it as a part of the reason as to why I continue to do the things I do as a parent and give my children what I deem good and essential. It would be nice if they could have their father available to them. I have found it difficult being a part-time father especially when it is a job that I enjoy.

Profoundly, I must confess that I have come to realize that being a parent is to know loss and to swim with an ongoing menace called sacrifice. Losing things seems to be a recurrent theme in this life. Never the less, I have no fear of death because I believe that there is a higher purpose after death to attain and that this life is the final exam before the grades are handed out. Additionally, I have no fear for the loss of material things either; they are just things without a soul or light to shine upon this dingy world and in the context of life are just fillers of time and little more. No, I have discovered that even during this brief absence that I have lost a bit of myself and a bit of my children in the process. I don’t know how it happened or why, but it just does and it is a threshold into the real world that we all have crossed into. The instance was benign and simple but the effect it left in its wake is still there. All I said to my son was, “I love you” and I didn’t get any reciprocation in return –just a simple, “Okay, bye!”

Personally, I think it would have hurt less to have an ice pick shoved into my heart than to have witnessed and listened to the stoned response to my emotions. It is a pain that I will never, ever, ever forget…

There is a light that never goes out – and that is a lamp within the hearts of parents that gives love to us even when we feel that we do not deserve it. A parent’s love never comes with a balance or is something that has tally. It is not measured in dollars and cents or ever been taken away due to petty jealousies or rivalries. If this be so, then you are not a parent – you are an adversary and a detrimental thread in the overall fabric of our society.

I can only offer myself, and continue to do so. There are many a commitments that adults make in this crazy frantic world that it is difficult to be there all of the time for our children. I find a deep well of sadness within me at times because I enjoy being with my sons and I know that they enjoy their time with me. We share a bond – or at least we did share a bond. It does not make me wary or fire-shy for fear of being burned again and again. That is life – we get hurt and we do it time and time again in order to find those brief, albeit sweet victories and wonderful moments that make lasting and lifetime memories.

So, to my father and my stepfather, I will say, “I love you” and relay to them that I too have crossed over into a threshold of parenthood I never knew existed until now. I know what it is to be a parent and lose something you have cherished, coddled, swathed, bathed and fed for a brief time. I know the pain associated with a loss of words that will only be heard briefly from here on in. I realize now that I will lose all things in this life – both good and bad – cherished and forsaken – whole and in pieces. Still, I worry not because all things being equal or unequal, they are what they are and there really can be no sequence, rhyme or rhythm to something as random chance or fickle as life can be at times.

The wisdom I have gained will make me a better parent – I know this. There is a difference between wisdom and knowledge – knowledge is knowing what the answer is and wisdom is knowing why the answer is what it is and how to utilize that answer properly. The insight into this wisdom is quite easy but it doesn’t make the pill any easier to swallow. I have come to conclude that it is foolhardy for me to try and hold onto my sons; for try as I might to hold onto them and protect them out of fear of them fully slipping away, I will have gained nothing of them; my fawning and pampering will ill prepare them for the hardships of the real world and only make me out to be some dawdling and protective old fool in their eyes. These actions will not heighten my character in their eyes and only weaken them in the process.

I will choose a path that is right and treat them with all the respect and dignity they have come to find that I give them. What is more, they will see that even though they are incapable of giving love fully for whatever reason that it is okay to do regardless of the circumstances. I will show them that love can heal and should never be used to harm. I will let them know that whatever they do in this life, that they will always have my love and they will know that my accomplishments will make me happy knowing that they are happy too. Just as my parents have done before me, the torch to parenthood will be passed onto them in hopes that our example will light the way in dark times such as these and that our stalwart commitment to being loving people will not go unnoticed or unheralded in the many years to come.

As parents we are the farmers of the world’s future and our children are the prize crop to which this Earth will inherit and digest over time. It’s a crazy mixed up place sometimes, but it feels darn good to get your back into your work and your hands into the soil. Sometimes the harvest can be bitter and the rain comes and goes, but without the bad there would be no recognition of all that is good, fair and wholesome. It is a labor of love to which I have grown accustomed to, and shrink now only after having been dealt a minor setback. Never the less, I will keep moving and tilling the field until the harvest can be reaped and the last drop of sweat on my brow used to water the very soil of the fields to which I tend.

My children, I love you. Thank you for making me proud to be your father – now and forever more…