August

This was written 16 years ago - I don't think there is any other way that best explains my love of summer and the month of August. Enjoy!

August 1, 1990

August

sitting under a bright blue sky
the clouds and hours are floating by
daises blooming in the ground
and fat bees buzzing all around
dandelions spreading in the breeze
and songbirds sing sweet melodies
each sunrise springs a hopeful ray
and color filled sunsets help close the day

August has cast its beauty fair
extending joy which can't compare
the summer sun laughing all day long
and warm nights filled with lovers song
the stars which twinkle in the night
are fueled by love and passion bright
lovers hands and hearts seem bound
with infinite love which they have found
for there's something special found everywhere
when August love has filled the air...

My Thoughts on Signing A Petition To Save Lebanon

This is a copy of the email sent on 25 July 2006 and my response to a request to sign a petition to call attention to the plight of the Lebanese people trapped in the war between Israel and the Hezbollah militia...

Subject: sign to save LebanonDate: Wed, 19 Jul 2006 07:44:47 +0000
Please go to http://julywar.epetition.net/and sign the Save the Lebanese Civilians Petition and forward this invitation to your friends.

Lebanese civilians have been under the constant attack of the state of Israel for several days. The State of Israel, in disregard to international law and the Geneva Convention, is launching a maritime and air siege targeting the entire population of the country. Innocent civilians are being collectively punished in Lebanon by the state of Israel in deliberate acts of terrorism as described in Article 33 of the Geneva Convention.
http://julywar.epetition.net

HM2 Gutierrez wrote:

Everyone...

I apologize for the long-winded diatribe - but, once I got on a roll, I could not stop! It is something I feel that needed to be said and something that I truly feel strongly about. I am not here to offend - I am here to merely say that there are two sides to every story and I am seeing this story from all sides. There is no hate speach to be found here - only a note of hope - that's all!...


To My Fellow Brothers and Sisters on this singularly wild journey called "life"

I have been labeled as a "warrior", but I am not a warring man. A warrior knows that peace is something that is strived for constantly and that the brutal blade of war is brought to bear only when it is absolutely necessary - just as it is when using a knife blade; the cutter must be skilled and the edges of the tool sharp and precise. A dull blade will yield ragged edges, more work and more mess to clean-up later. A warrior is always prepared for war and knows exactly what must be done. His pathway, resolve and spirit must be as clear and as uncluttered as the plan for resolution and peace is.
As a private citizen whose job it is to heal and not harm, I will admit to the fact that humanitarian aid and not sectarian violence will assist in decreasing the amount of innocent blood spilled on Lebanese soil.

We can sit and point fingers all day long as to who is right and who is wrong. None of the parties involved want to take responsibility for their actions and are quick to hide behind religious fanaticism or protectionist ideals rather than point the finger of blame at themselves and their own selfish ignorance...

What can be even more worse than ignorance is human indifference to the suffering of all parties involved. There can be no lasting peace or justice to be found as long as there is indifference, irresponsibility and ignorance at work against the process.

As a man of the military, my opinion is moot. I am first and foremost a professional whose wisdom is gained through knowledge, successes and many, many failures - The breadth of my knowledge is such that I have witnessed first-hand what ignorance, fear and hate can do to any human being:

I have felt the stinging tears and bitter cries of remorse during the death my fellow brother in arms...

I have been penetrated by the cold and hardened steel edge of a blade known as "vendetta" ...

I have handed out food and water to the starving.

I have healed the wounded and attended to their needs..

I have assisted the dying with providing them comfort, compassion and dignity...

All of this taken into account, I am afraid that my name on a petition or letter will not get the people of Lebanon the help they desperately deserve or need. It will not remove the organization known as Hezbollah - it will not move back the thousands of Israeli troops within Southern Lebanon. It will not get the parties involved to recognize what they are doing is wrong. It will not convince them to look at the Geneva Conventions Charter Articles or empower them to sit down and discuss a peaceful and lasting resolution. It is just one name on a piece of electronic paper - and by all accounts, worthless.

What can be done to make a difference? Action! The actions of not just one person, but the actions of many working as one. Writing your name on a document is not action - getting relief supplies to the needy, assisting in the setting up of shelters or refugee camps, collecting donations for food or volunteering with the Red Cross to actually go to Lebanon and assist - now THAT is making a difference on a human level!

You have the ability to make a difference - don't think about it - don't talk about it - just do it!...

Action is needed on ALL levels - not meaningless promises and hollow words! We must ALL bring pressure to bear upon the very governments responsible for this hate, fear and ignorance and move the warring factions to drop their weapons and resolve their differences through talk and compromise. Honest dialect with truth, compromise and solid foundations for planning and implementing are what is truly needed!...

The transition toward a cease-fire and the providing humanitarian support to the area has taken a back seat to political posturing and terrorism in the form of rockets, bombs, and soldiers. Unfortunately, you have many sections of faith and differing political idealists pulling the table of peace apart to fuel the fires of their own causes. How can you sit to a table to discuss peace when even the chairs are being used for kindling?

There is a Farsi saying, "Adam bayad hamisheh omid dashteh bashad" which says, "One must always have hope" - I have hope that someday we will be able to look back and see the ignorance of our costly wars and ways. I have hope that as a race we will be able to transcend and rise above the clouds of despair to become better human beings and even closer humanitarians instead of self-serving "individuals." I have a hope that someday all of my children will look to me and thank me for my role of being an instrument of peace, understanding soother and compassionate healer. I do not want to be remembered or eulogized as a terrorist, political pawn or radical idealist hell bent on destruction and death. I am trying hard to make the world our children inherit a better one than the one I have come know, I am trying hard to shed my skin of "self-service" and move more toward a global realization that we are all in this pursuit of happiness together...

At this time, It is still not too late to make a difference - It is too late when indifference, criticism and pessimism are the standards and compassionate action the course of last resort.

You have the ability to make a difference - now you just have to want to do it! It is my sincere hope that something in this note will spark you, move you or at least point your moral compass in another direction. I would hope that you will come to realize that at the expense of your own time, sweat and muscle, you can earn all the praise, gratification and job-satisfaction to last a lifetime by showing just an ounce of love, a moment of compassion and a little effort on your part - the rest will hopefully take care of itself...

Sincerely,
P.A. Gutierrez
Somewhere In Africa providing military and humanitarian support with passionate enthusiasm and a smile...

The Sad and Untimely Death of Yet Another Hard Drive

We are gathered here today to pay lasting tribute and respect to a fallen commarade - a 120 Gigabyte Western Digital External Hard drive. Our dear friend blew a bearing and "died" an unfortunate and untimely death. I am more optimistic in my appraisal than most, so I will not lament. I am not here to place my friend in the grave, but I am here to celebrate, remind and relay to you all the wonderful moments and times that we shared.

All of the many hours of music and enjoyment that is contained in those moments - all of the pictures and memories are still there somewhere. With any luck, the data retrieval experts can resurrect the music, memories and moments and make them all re-appear yet again. I am hopeful that this piece of machinery has found some peace. For I know that I worked it pretty hard. It was 70 percent full, and was always giving 100 percent regardless of what was asked.

"Western Digital 120" is the third in as many hard drives I have come to eulogize over the last 7 years. Like the guniea pigs I once knew and cared for, their time was short, their efforts commendable and memories far lasting and loving ones. I will miss you. But hopefully, not for too much longer...

Thank you data retrieval experts - with any luck, I will be enjoying the 7 years of "lost" digital pictures of my children, my family, the multitudes of documents and of course my cherrished music.

Soon...

The "Blame Game"

I've been looking around at the world and things in general lately and I am growing increasingly anxious but also somewhat bored with the ongoing negativity and declining state of the world and society on the whole. Often being in the role of the "optimist" my usual "fine wine" mood has begun to sour over time because I feel that my fellow mankind has begun to lose touch with some of his better virtues; mainly honesty, character and responsibility and embraced a more sinister and cold view of his world shrouded in deceit, fault and lies.

It can be quite difficult to rise above the continued mudslides of bad news - especially when you seem to be buried under many, many layers of rubble. The line-up of almost-hourly "dump trucks" are fueled by lies and driven by blame. I find it quite interesting that with all of the worlds many problems there often seems to be a lack of intestinal fortitude shown by the somewhat hesitant players to step-up to the plate and admit that they are at fault or to blame for the woes we must all reap. Responsibility it seems has become something to be handed-off and the label of misfortune placed squarely upon someone other than themselves - a scapegoat to be sacrificed at their bidding or a fabricated alibi to cling neatly upon during rough or stormy times.

The "Blame Game" is something of a mind-numbing conscience soother for many. It allows the accused the luxury to point the icy finger of blame at someone or something rather than lay the burden of responsibility where it is rightly due. The "Blame Game" allows us to quickly point-out and exploit the faults and falls of our foes (sometimes even our own friends or relatives) and help to elevate or give our sagging egos a much needed boost in the right direction making us feel better than the unfortunate party to whom the microscopic eye of criticism and scrutiny has been placed upon.

It takes a good depth of character and certain amount of intestinal fortitude to look deep within oneself and place the burden of blame where it is rightly due. The lessons of honesty do not often come easily or cheaply. Sometimes, we may find it easier to spin a web of lies rather than face the shame or image tarnishing that may accompany our fall from grace. Far too often we are narrow in our focus and singular in our goal of self-preservation. Society has taught us to embrace the idea that we are innocent until proven guilty and if there is a chance to get away from the accusation or steer the burden of proof away from you toward someone else then by all means do it! It is not so much about shirking responsibility as much as it is about a shifting of the responsibility that burdens you less. We have all done it. We blamed the dog for eating our homework; we've blamed traffic for our being late to work; we've even blamed power outages for our alarm clocks not going off in the morning to wake us up. Our society encourages a shifting of the blame because the pathway to bliss is lined with innocence, ignorance and good intentions; we rarely have the courage to look deep within ourselves and take responsibility for our own shortcomings. And when presented with a chance to do so, we opt to choose blame or deceit as a best defense in order to steer ourselves clear of any further embarrassment.

An even greater lie comes from within ourselves in the form of denial - the greatest deception of them all. Even in the face of great inquisition, trickery and deception can be achieved, but at what cost? The taste of victories are often bittersweet when the true nature of the winnings have been brought to light and the real amount of emotional loses have been absorbed with the loss of love, faith and trust. Karma tends to be a thorn whose wound tends to fester and fate takes a back seat to all the many good things that could have, would have or should have been. The wound can grow worse over time until there is nothing more to be said or done. There are no amount of words to dull the pain - not all the sorry's lined up end to end and around the Earth can effectively heal the wound. (Words are as meaningless as they are hollow) The silence can last for days, weeks, months or even longer. The infection is catastrophic and it bears the capacity to bring even the most solid of relationships to its knees or cut clean through even the toughest of emotional armor.

I will admit that I have played the "Blame Game" before and placed the focus of scrutiny on someone other than myself. I have failed to stand-up and take the "hit" for something that I have done or failed to do. I have taken that walk down the "Liars Pathway"and speaking from experience, it is no Saturday picnic in the park. It is about as treacherous, dark and slippery a path that any person can tread upon. It takes nerves of steel and a will that is almost criminal to see yourself and the lie through to its fruition. There is always a chance that you'll be able to get away and escape into the realm of the innocent. Unfortunately, when lies beget even more lies eventually you become trapped within the tangled and jumbled web of deceit and lies you had created previously. If you ever thought that a lie could not hurt or that it's pathway would never be traced back to you, guess again. If you wronged someone or hurt them beyond all repose, you can bet dimes to dollars that they will never forget nor really ever truly forgive. Like the throwing of a rock into a pond, the effect of the initial shock and its ripples continue to resonate throughout our lives and the lives of whom the lie has most greatly affected.

I know what I have done - I know what I have not done and I have taken full responsibility for what has come to pass. Being honest doesn't dull the pain or make it any easier to bear, but it can assist in the healing process and allow the wounds to heal properly instead of going on for many years festering and infecting all the things which surround us. A pathway that is smooth and harmonious is far easier to travel and navigate that an emotional minefield where every step holds the possibility of instant hurt, chaos and amputation.

Personally, there really is nothing more to add in regards to the players who continue to play the "Blame Game."It is a field best suited for liars, deceivers, tricksters and players. I have spent my fair share of time on the field in the "action" and I can honestly say the time was not worth it. In the end the lessons learned do not equate to the amount of pain and suffering that have been caused in the wake of such a planned and ill-contrived disaster. I am remorseful for what has transpired and heartily sorry for my transgressions and trespasses. I have grown to recognize the traps and emotional minefields which have been set before me and I continue to use honesty as a collective shield with both my relations and myself. Denial can be just as addicting and soothing, but in the end, it leaves you just as lonely and remorseful.

You may ask, why the sudden change? Why the selfless act of consciousness? Why here? Why now? Well, I have taken a look around this great big world and I see far more hurt than there really needs to be. It saddens me to no end to see an overabundance of pain, death, famine, and despair reported more and more on a daily basis. What happened to all of the goodness that life used to encompass? Where did all of the love and compassion from our society move to? My change is one of choice, and with any HOPE, it can be a lasting one for many years to come. With even more HOPE, this change could spark a revolution that may endear us more to being keepers of faith and love rather than a jailer or destroyer of those entities.

I am resolved to being a fixer of problems and not a maker of even more problems....

I am in the business or relieving pain and not making more pain...

I am committed to being a part of the solution and NOT a part of the problem because there is a right way to do things and there is also a wrong way to do things...

I am doing what I feel is right of course, and by choice I am no longer taking part in the ongoing "Blame Game" - I have retired and have picked-up a new game - that game is one of hope, love, fidelity, zeal, compassion, brotherhood, unity and spirit.

That is a game and gift we call "life..."

(Wanna play?)

"Isms"

In the movie "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" there is a point in the beginning of the movie where we hear Ferris utter these remarkable bits of wisdom, "Isms in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an 'ism' - he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon: "I don't believe in Beatles - I just believe in me."

I have to agree - for right now in this particular portion of our human existence there seems to be an abnormally large amount of "isms" which over inundate and slam into our minds on an almost daily basis. For example there is of course the ongoing War on Terrorism, which some may view as a remarkable bit of nationalism, militarism and idealism against a vast and hidden Al-Queda network and it's particular brand of Islamic extremism. It would be an all too easy task for me to add to the rant in regards to the the political and ideological divisions back home in America. Quite frankly, I have grown weary of the continued criticism and political posturing which offers more questions and few solutions. There are endless amounts of smear campaigns and rampant abuses of skewed and blatantly yellow-journalism. The "left wing" is firmly entrenched in the belief that the "radical right" is spreading their particular brand of hedonism, fascism and imperialism with the ultimate goal being global capitalism; the "right wing" believes that the "loopy left" is preaching more about liberalism, pacifism, communism and socialism rather than the theories of democracy and federalism.

The abundance of us are stuck somewhere in the middle wondering what bits of criticism, pessimism, skepticism and nihilism will the magicians in politics bombard us with next. Perhaps it is our penchant for pragmatism and narcissism or maybe even our belief that altruism is the way to a higher existence. It takes a certain amount of stoicism to hold my tongue in check from the growing wave of defeatism that seems to have overtaken the country and torn its very fabric into two halves. Our own lazy escapism and materialism has grown more important than our own patriotism. There has already been far too much political posturing and cynicism regarding the politics of terrorism.

My views regarding the arguments on the Middle East are simple - we could set deadlines for troop withdrawals but what would it do in the long run for the people of Iraq? It would be an act of vandalism and would provide a boost of much needed energy into the lagging tides of fundamentalism. Terrorists would only have to wait until the day of the pull out and then the true party would begin...God help us all when that day arrives because we would have broken our promise to the people of Iraq and offered them up as sacrificial lambs for the slaughter. Instead of defeating terror in it's own backyard, we would have thrown the flare that created the wildfire of fanaticism that would eventually burn our very soil and existence right to the ground.

Yes, there is a certain amount of fatalism which has somehow attached itself remora-like to this essay. Please, indulge me a bit further...

Americans - God bless them! We are free to do or be most anything we want to be (within reason of course) and still there are many who are never satisfied. There is no part of me which embraces this social elitism or growing egoism. I'm not concerned with the bullying and social-Darwinism that is impressed upon us by our commercial and materialistic society. I may not be rich, beautiful or famous by any means but my being here serves a purpose. I'm not here to preach about the finer aspects of hedonism and the celebrity to be found in heroism. I love the United States and believe that we are the greatest country on Earth - we not only have to act like it, but we have to believe it ourselves in order to make it work for everyone. I'm not talking about much - just about having some optimism for a change and a little faith in our fellow mankind, that's all...

Getting back to Mr. Bueller's argument and quotation of a very confident John Lennon it leads time to ask; Do I believe in "isms?" Well, I can only speak for myself as one lowly organism, being a small part of a much larger "whole", on a planet in a universe spinning wildly out of control in a vast galaxy in space. Though I have no solid foundation or affiliation with any one "ism", I will say that I have a strong belief in a great many things. Most importantly, like Mr. Lennon I have a belief in myself and the many good things that mankind has to offer. I feel that I am doing all that I can to better myself and the immediate world around me. I have an affinity for optimism, I enjoy the theories of existentialism, pragmatism, romanticism, holism and tolerationism. I have been accused in the past of being drawn to eroticism, chauvinism, sadism, masochism, hypnotism, lycanthropism, vampirism and hedonism, though I will most likely deny those accusations that were leveled upon me. I will testify for the record, I've not had a priapism, attempted nudism or embraced racism. I've never dabbled in cannibalism, used my vampire or lunatic/lycanthrope skills to hypnotize, nor have I ever slapped, spanked or left anyone tied to a bed or chair that didn't deserve it! (that's a joke - laugh, okay?)

Whether your religious beliefs are anchored in Catholicism, Taoism, Buddhism, Hinduism, Islamism, Judaism, mysticism, Mormonism, paganism or atheism, I cannot fault you because at least you have made a choice to believe (or perhaps not believe) in something that will hopefully lead you to a higher understanding of human behavior and the mechanism that drives us toward finality - that would-be "carrot" that is dangled freely in front of us would be "happiness." I continue to strive for happiness in all facets of my life and prescribe to the belief that there is goodness in the abundance of mankind. Perhaps someday we will "just believe" and learn to imagine a world of people living together instead of against each other like John Lennon had asked us to do so many years ago. As long as we continue toward a realization of this happiness, we may just stumble upon the most elusive "ism" of them all - utopianism.

One can only hope...(yes, even more optimism!)

Compromise

First and foremost I must apologize for the delay in completing this entry. I started this essay on the 8th of July and found myself rather befuddled so I stopped, pushed myself away from the desk to leave the many long-winded lines and scattered paragraphs to simmer.

I am a simple creature of habit, so it was difficult for me to just walk away when I was so very wound-up and tightly in tune with my creative juices at the time. Strangely, there was something extremely harsh about this topic that found me growing more and more frustrated with the many words flowing forth from my fingertips and on to this electronic page. It got to a point that I was no longer writing and explaining the logic behind the argument in favor, but actually raving and ranting - which for me, is not a very pretty sight to observe.

Eventually, the simmering of my creative juices came to a boil on several occasions, leading me to edit, readjust, scribble some more, edit further and continue into this chase for creativity on and off over a 4 day period! Eventually, I believe I have come up with a finished product that will help to clarify and illustrate the lesson I had learned in authoring this particular essay. I did not compromise my character or myself in the process, but had to compromise some of my writing time and a wee-bit of ego in order to accurately push my message across in a way that was more suggestion and less reliant on the steam-shovel "force feeding/preaching" method.

Enough of my rambling - I know it's a rather abrupt halt, but it is time to move upward and onward to the lesson at hand...

Compromise as defined by the Merriam-Webster dictionary is a settlement of differences by arbitration or by consent reached by mutual concessions; it is something intermediate between or blending qualities of two different things.

I have come to find in my so-called "advanced age" that compromise seems to be an ever present theme in the normal day-to-day and rigors of this life. Even to the unconscious mind, there are side-bar bargains and under-the-table deals made on almost every level of decision making - from something as mundane as in deciding what to have for breakfast or wear to work to debating and planning whether or not to invest money in a T-Bill or on a second honeymoon. When the pathways of two plans come together and joined partners, whether through business or marriage must make a decision at the expense of the other
there is a certain amount of compromise that must be made in order to keep a balance and equity so that both parties feel satisfied with the decision and will embrace the outcome as their own.

Compromise and sacrifice I have come to find seem to be unwitting partners in the realm of decision making. For you cannot have one without the other. Choosing one path over the other means the opportunity may not be available again. This is a lesson that can be learned on any school playground or park in the tepid tides of our youth. There are only so many swings in which to swing upon; only so many pairs of "monkey bars" to hang from and only one slide in which to climb and conquer. Bargaining to gain favor is what will put us at the head of the line and allow us to be the first to swing at recess - just as long as we concede to the friends who allowed us this privilege and pass to them the same consideration and privilege when they ask to be allowed to "go first" next time.

Just as compromise tries to find a half-way point in the arena of sacrifice and decision, the fragile balance and weight of the decision to be made can be cambered, adjusted and tilted one way or the other based upon the amount of gain or loss that will occur once a decision has been planned and implemented. Somehow, even when a compromise has been reached, someone will almost always end up getting the better part of the bargain while the other party is left to account for their losses and begin a plan in seeking equity and equality with the next decision to be made. Losses can be accounted on many levels - it can be something simple like time - because you chose one route over the other to get to work quicker and find out the path you chose was not the best one; or something as complex as choosing one place to live or another because of many varied factors such as proximity to employment opportunities, the safety of the neighborhood, the quality of schools or the availability of shops or services.

Loss is another undeniable ongoing lesson in life which we also must face on a daily basis and with any sort of luck, it is endured in small metered doses. For some of us, loss is an everyday occurrence in our lives that many of us must endure. On the opposing spectrum, there are many who live day to day in fear of loss and deny to recognize or embrace the changes taking place around them. Some of us tend to live in fear of loss - whether it is rooted firmly in vanity or emotional ties, our bond with loss is characteristic of the kind of relationships we make in this lifetime. In essence, our ability to come to grips with the drudgery of this life and embrace the lessons and tidbits of wisdom along the way are guideposts along the road that point us toward a higher realization and better understanding of the human heart and its behavior. Without experiencing some sort of loss in this life, it would be impossible for us to grow.

It is true that we face the concepts of compromise, sacrifice and loss on many different levels. We lose track of time; we lose contact with people we know; we sometimes lose our minds and also we can give into the argument and reach a compromise by agreeing to disagree. As with any argument where there is something lost and something gained. It can be equally noted that the amount of loss which has occurred and endured by an individual or group is directly proportional to the amount of resistance the so-called "winner" will have to endure the next time the stage of compromise is approached and stumbled upon. So, the old adage, "I may have lost the argument but I won the war" should be taken into consideration when entering into a battle of wills and ideals.

I will be brutally honest - there are times when I find compromise to be quite a difficult concept for me to grasp a hold of. There is a very competitive, proud and immovable side of me that holds steadfastly and rather selfishly to the dreams and wants of the given moment and I am prone to take on quite a hostile intonation when asked to compromise or give in on a particular subject. My ego, arrogance and selfish needs have cost me dearly sometimes. There have been times when I should have thought twice and not be lead astray by impulse. There were also times when I should have walked away from an argument and gone off to lick my wounds inflicted on my pride rather than get dragged into an all out "Battle Royale Caged Death Match." I have managed to learn the lesson, but have found it often difficult at times to put the lesson learned back into the field of fair play and allow it to be seen and not just something heard. I am stubborn, hard-headed, steadfast and tenacious. I have little appetite for criticism, differing points of view, or plans which lack logic.

I have come to find as I grow older and maybe sometimes a bit wiser that compromise does not have to mean being pinned with the "loser" moniker (take the index finger and thumb of right hand, extend into shape of backwards "L" and place it on your forehead). Sometimes, through compromise, sacrifice and loss we are able to shed a little more of the external shell of ourselves and reveal a side to our counterparts that does not imbue weakness or spinelessness. Rather, it shows humility, wisdom and above all a willingness to see things from an entirely different aspect. You may find it difficult to comprehend or your skepticism my raise many bells and whistles within you, but I have found that when you give into the moment and just lose yourself, you not only earn a new respect from those who requested the compromise, you often find yourself enjoying the task or the situation despite your previous anxieties and trepidations. It may mean taking a trip to the Home Depot to learn about flower boxes and fertilizers or even taking a Salsa dance class on Wednesday evenings instead of watching Nova on PBS.

From all the data derived and picked through in this essay, it is easy for us to arrive at a conclusion that it is common nature for humans (especially the male of the species!) to feel slighted or cheated when having to compromise or bargain in order to attain favor. Additionally, we must also come to recognize that there is a time and a place for everything, and you must learn to adapt and use wisdom to identify and recognize the right moments when to pick and choose your battles. There are times when you must stick steadfastly to your beliefs and ideals and not bend or give way (maybe just ever-so slightly) in order to assure that your good graces and time are not taken advantage of. And still there are other times when you must learn to drop your guard long enough to end the debate and go with the plan or choice of direction you had failed to embrace from the beginning. Yes, it is an extra-difficult "horse pill" to ingest when you feel forced to admit defeat or give your "permission" to proceed with a course of events you did not embrace from the beginning, but sometimes you will find that you were incorrect in your original assumptions and that giving into the moment and the plan was the best course of action for everyone involved.

There really is no best way to illustrate the lesson (or lessons) learned from compromise. Even with compromise and ego, what I have found is that even though it goes against my better nature to give in, there are specific sacrifices to be made of self and ego that are comparatively only "small change" when compared to the wealth of respect and love to be gained. Perhaps I am getting softer in my old age, but I have discovered that the "triple threat" of compromise, sacrifice and loss somehow manage to keep all of my relationships firmly glued together (perhaps it's just morbid curiosity) while still remaining equally distant, different and apart. The contrast is what makes this life so amazing at times.

"Variety" being the ever present spice in life, it would lead one to believe at first that compromise might be best described as the "liver" on the banquet table. It may be an acquired taste that some never really find a palate for, but never the less it is a different flavor; whether it is spread on a cracker and accompanied by a fine Dom Perignon or served with onions and bacon and washed down with an ice cold beer, compromise can lead to a gain in both knowledge and wisdom when the true weight of the benefits are actually realized in total.

Independence Day 2006

It's the Fourth of July and as it often is around this time of year, I find myself taking a moment to look back with simple pride in celebrating the fact that I am free...

Wait a second and allow me to re-word that moment of insight and state that I am happy that we as a nation of free people are thankful for the freedoms we have been blessed with on this our independence Day.

This years celebration finds me not within the confines of our great nation surrounded by family, great food and fine fireworks but once again away and overseas separated by many miles and time zones - in fact, as I write this little entry it is still July Fourth back in California - Since I am unable to be with you at this time, I am saying to all my family, friends and loved ones back home, I wish you a very happy and safe Fourth of July holiday celebration. Be thankful and count your blessings because things could always be worse...

All things taken into consideration, The independence day celebration here in Djibouti was not bad despite the fact that there were no fireworks to be seen (in a so-called "war zone", a lack of those particular kinds of "fireworks" are just fine with me!) or any cold Corona's (with lime) to be savored. Still, there were festive tournaments such as Volleyball and Dodgeball, a Strongman competition and a full component of matinee movies - not to mention an all-day barbecue featuring almost all of the most common staples of most any July Fourth family outing.

I am still at a loss to fully explain the simple malaise of the day over here in Djibouti during one of our most festive and celebrated holidays. Although there were pleasantries to be shared and many a kind word or greeting to be relayed, the feeling of independence just feels more meaningful when you are at home and sharing it with those you love and love you in return. To put it rather bluntly and abruptly, it just doesn't feel the same when you are away in another country - as is the case of any holiday spent away in lands that are foreign or are not all together familiar with the exact reason for the celebration to begin with. The day sort of loses a bit of its luster and becomes yet another in a long string of just ordinary everydays

Still, there was a moment of epiphany to be reveled within during this most recent holiday. Last night I had the unique opportunity to go home and celebrate independence Day on American grounds as part of a guard force in charge of compound security during the independence Day celebration at The United States Embassy here in Djibouti. It was a unique opportunity for the whole motley lot of us to put on a "good face" and show the world that we are proud of who we are and what we have evolved into.

Our little team of 15 marines and one corpsman arrived at the compound a little after 1700 - the road leading up to the area was deserted, except for an occasional colored plastic grocery bag dancing in the breezes along the roadside or police guard roaming the outskirts of the deserted and barren area. It was a quiet and warm evening with a lagging tide and moist ocean breeze to cool us down. The hermit crabs languished and dined on the tidal microbes as they continued to scurry from place to place along the sands, shallows and ripples of the now waning tides. We were greeted by Gary, the compounds regional security officer and given a quick overview of what our job was and what the nights festivities had in store for us.

The job began with a tour of the grounds to get the lay of the area and familiarize ourselves with the positive and negative aspects of our particular guard mounts and assignments. This particular exercise is much akin to any good ritual that any player of sport would recognize - it's like the football player taking to the field before the big game; walking the field and memorizing every line, divot and rough spot on the turf. There is something to be said about good preparation - in that being on the side of the ill-prepared really sucks and leaves you looking back over your shoulder at the "shoulda, woulda, coulda" of the past events.

We got a quick "pep talk" from Gunny Ornelas, Staff Sergeant Micken and Sergeant Perez on what to expect. For some reason, I found my mind and eyes wandering the compounds. It wasn't for lack of attention to the seriousness of the moment, but more for the amount of action that was occurring all around me at that instant. I could see the many people readying the area with red, white and blue decorations - setting up tables and sweeping the driveways and pathways to the rear of the compound where the celebration would be. I could smell the food as it was being prepared. I could hear the patriotic music playing in the background as the sky began to darken with the hues of yet another closing sunset. As I scanned the area, my eye caught hold of the flag waving in the stiffening evening breeze upon the compounds mast and I reminded myself that I was home - even if only for a moment, I was home on sovereign soil of the United States.

Although the smells and sounds were not quite as familiar as I would have liked them to be, the feelings and emotions were. My outburst was one of the moment, but it was something that welled up within me and spilled forth into the night. During our preparation speech and just after spotting our flag, I reminded the Marines present that all of us were ambassadors to the greatest nation on the free Earth and we represented the greatest fighting force upon it - The United States Marine Corps. Looking back on that moment, the guys might have thought that I was some far-out flag waving old fart trying to get a rise out of the moment. That is far from the truth. I didn't just say those things to blow wind into the Marines sails or make them puff up their chests anymore. What I said, I actually felt and meant every word of it!

The rest of the evening was pretty much uneventful. Aside from the scuffle with the military working dog and the driver who was offended at the very thought of having to be checked for a bomb, the evening was benign and the celebration went-off without a hitch. I got to smile and greet those in attendance and also received the opportunity to brush up on some of my rusty French by placing some well-timed "Bon soirre's" and "Bienvenue's" toward the many arriving guests and dignitaries. Granted, where Corporal Lockwood and I stood was devoid of any breeze and the both of us never dried off the entire evening, it was very nice and cordial to be receiving guests and rather satisfactory to be putting a good, kind and humble face onto the stereotypical American military person.

Although we were not fed a state dinner, we were invited to have cake - which was a nice gesture and one that we heartily accepted. It was not a cold beer, rack of barbecue ribs, sirloin steak, potato salad or apple pie, but it fit the moment and still made us happy to have been a shared part of the celebration.

I did not spend my independence Day at home with those I loved, but I did get to spend the day with people who defend our freedoms and allow us to continue to celebrate day after day and year after year. It felt good to hear people thanking me and my counterparts for the job we do and I will be the first to say that am humbled and thankful to be able to support and uphold the trusts of my fellow American citizens. Indeed, it is an honor of mine to serve during this time and a trust that I keep very sacred. I could go on and on about how I feel about this day, America and my service in the military, but to do so would be self-centered and egotistical. Sometimes, you have to look beyond the ordinary focus and see the larger picture that has been set before you. What I have discovered is that there is strength to be found in faith and focus - that sheer numbers do not always add up and that sometimes will and determination are the only things keeping you alive and surviving.

Our forefathers had a dream for our future - just as I have dream for the future of my children - there is hope and love to be found in every waking breath of my existence while I am in pursuit of the happiness that is the "American Dream" Upon this pathway to happiness I have discovered this - There are many better places to be in this world at this moment, but there is no one else in the world that I would rather be - and that is being American and being free - I need nothing more because that's more than enough for me!

At The Summit

We have come to the summit of this little odyssey here in Djibouti and as the top of the hill slowly recedes from sight, the final descent back to all things American now begins. The introduction to that proverbial "light at the end of the tunnel" has been made and 260-plus Marines providing "security" for the masses here at the camp will all be waiting anxiously for the final flight to freedom that will take them back home to loved ones, family and friends in the very near future.

I will be brutally honest when I say that I will have mixed emotions about the trip back home. Although I am terribly anxious to get back to my wife, children and family, I will be somewhat saddened to have to depart the ranks of active duty military life once again and have to re-adjust back into the dog-eat-dog of my uncivil civilian job. I believe Lieutenant General Sattler, a recent visitor to the camp said it best - "Find a job you enjoy doing and you'll never work another day in your life" - that coming from a man who has given 36 years to the Corps and is looking high and low to stretch his service even farther! I have definitely found myself in the throes of a job to which I truly enjoy and thrive within - it isn't work at all but more of a passion that wells deep within me and resonates to all of those with whom I come in contact with and serve.

This summit also marks a turning point in my life as well. With the average lifespan of the adult American male being 80 years old, it means that at the soon-to-be age of 41 I find myself also descending into the second half of my lifespan no closer to any life path or career than I was 20 years ago! I have found many good things in this life which I treasure and have had to endure many tough lessons which were tough at first, but the wisdom gained from having the experience has wizened me to no end! I find my writings and musings of the many moments much like this journey - trying at times, tumultuous and tedious, but always looking for improvement and focused upon the positive that all this life has to offer. I could wax the poetic, or wane the never-ending paragraph with flowery words and mixed meanings, but it would sadly fail in comparison to bring to light the actual joy that I have experienced in this walk of life. I am no longer focused on the past events of what could have or should have been, but looking forward with subtle optimism that the next half of this life can only get better and better as it moves forward to inevitability.

In time, all things end - both the good and the bad. It is this very sentiment that has me optimistic. For I have faith and have come to find that with every ending there has been a new beginning; a Genesis; a re-birth. And though there is some trepidation in the realm of my current and future employment opportunities, I am sure that with the right networking and proper interviews that the job of my calling will find me and then the road to eternity will be a little less bumpy and a little more softer and easier to handle. The "civilian sector" has not been kind to me, nor have I adjusted to the "do more with less" kind of mentality that many employers seem quick to push with no intrinsic benefit or feeling of accomplishment to be had. My ongoing complaints and anti-corporate bottom-dollar rants are all moot at this point. I have come to realize that my choices down the mountain are many and that the road of my destiny is still firmly within my own control. The lesson learned in regards to change - if it is going to be, then it is up to me!

It has been a good road and not one that has been traveled by many. I have seen sunrises and sunsets on 4 different continents; laid my head to rest on pillows in 16 different countries and have traveled through or been stationed for duty or training in 8 different states. I have celebrated many a birthday or milestone while deployed. And though it is time not found again with loved ones and family, there is still a bright spot of optimism shining within me that believes that future days will bring closer moments and times when those milestones are a shared award and not singular or sometimes empty.

The downhill side is within view and the summit has now been placed somewhere behind me never to be relished or seen again. With only the future ahead of me and the promise of many new adventures, there is little to fear and only more to hope for. There are many miles to travel before I sleep, and I am not showing any clear signs of slowing down yet. Whether I make it to my destination or not is really not that important to me. What counts is how I fill the many minutes and seconds from beginning to end and make sure that I am being honest with those I love and those who love me in return. The mark I leave as a legacy may not be an indelible or earth-shattering one, but will be important to those whose lives I have touched and have reciprocated by reaching forward and touching mine in return. It has been a good life - I am ever optimistic and still looking forward to making it even better!...